I Saw A Film!

In a world where a bodybuilder from a tiny village manages to be the only survivor of a massacre by an evil tyrannical overlord, played by a fabulous Rip Torn, and who just happens to have the skills to talk to a pair of ferrets, a golden eagle and a large cat, but not horses for some reason (man that would have solved a lot of problems) the Beastmaster ends up on a convoluted journey to some ersatz Mayan ruins (still more or less ruined) and wrecks havoc on the forces of evil.

Marc Singer (who I know best from the TV version of Highlander) does a perfectly good job with the smattering of dialog and shirtless swinging of his scimitar, though, he never seems to have use for the best technique of windmilling it around his head. I had this movie confused with another one called Krull, which is a rather similar sword and sandal fantasy. I don’t know how it is that I actually missed this one. Tanya Roberts (a Bond girl who would play on That 70s Show (which I never watched)) plays the lovely “slave girl” turned warrior Kiri (which I think is the early nomen ancestor of Kerri) with the bluest eyes and minicingest locomotion. She seems to dance the pony around the sets. John Amos from Good Times rounds out the crew protecting the lad who is expected to become the true king of this dusty desert and mountainous region. Frankly, I don’t know why anyone would choose to live there the socio-economic and political situation looks pretty bleak. Even the evil tyrant, Maax, seems to be wearing mostly enamel skulls in his sweet pigtails.

Moving forward we have a few events, taxing the costar critters awkwardly accomplishing little feats of derring-do for the Beastmaster. Like stealing keys and making off with the clothing of skinny-dipping beauties. All leading up to a reunion of sorts with a blinded father in the slave keep of Maax. In the weird dungeons they’re also creating GMO super warriors that can crash through walls and smash up all the old piping where the ferrets ran off.

Physics is a little off, you can fall several stories and land on a small pile of hay, like a Monty Python skit and suffer no ailments. They also seem to reuse a monster idea from the old At the Earth’s Core starring Doug McClure, which had these bat-like humanoids that could enfold prey and just turn them into bones. They come in handy late in the last act.

These sorts of films are often the most entertaining as they’re so full of fanciful prospective nonsense about history and culture you can’t stop laughing.

Running Free on Prime and I think these make great date films, it does end with a smooch!