More hiding in plain sight than any other film in recent memory as characters scurry back and forth across a field doing kooky martial artsy things while fighting over some gold we didn’t know the movie was actually about. See it all started with a children’s hospital in need some some vital medicine and a forced crash landing. The children in need are quickly forgotten as our blonde heroines take every possible opportunity to show off their fine boobs and spill dialog obviously written by a fourteen year old boy. In one sequence, of a fellow handing over a weapon to one of our protagonist law-officer ladies, more cock-innuendo passes their lips than anyone could possibly find even slightly sexy or amusing (it would possibly work ironically on Family Guy). We’re supposed to be thinking this is a sexy adventure thriller, not a boorish comic romp with every bullet a reference to an orgasm and every romantic moment a full on soft-core porn.

John Aprea (Godfather and Bullit) plays a military guy handing off 3.5″ floppies with WWII Japanese ship wrecks on them in order to locate a treasure. Meanwhile, a pair of spies hoping to recover that treasure for their people keep having sex and talking about their revolution right under the boss’s nose.

One of my favorite sequences has the pair of blonde super agents flying their single engine plane and changing their wet shirts to even more silly-looking Dora the explorer wear. OK there’s also a Japanese soldier isolated since WWII and still running around flashing a katana. His story seems remarkably pointless, but it is a bloody little tale about killing some Americans on the beach way back when, but he manages to make one of the blonde agents cry as he expires on her lap. I suppose it’s important to know these killers have hearts.

A lot of time is spent with one of the ladies firing a tiny crossbow with exploding bolts. Most of the time the thing isn’t ready to fire or loaded. Probably for the best. Many items are also hidden in the lady’s knee high boots, but not much is covered by their shorts! And the kids in need really are just forgotten. I mean, totally. Their original mission is entirely just dropped in favor of bad kick punch fights.

Free on Prime, and at least they made the gold look heavy.

One thought on “Savage Beach (1989)

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