I Saw A Film!

There are films that are just plain hard to pay attention to. You can only watch so much of these painstakingly armored motorcycles buzzing around while gas bombs explode and David Carradine kind of smirks in his manties. I remember seeing this as a kid and desperately wanting it to be cool. I wanted to like Carradine, I mean we all liked Kung Fu (the original) and the medium did its job convincing us that Carradine was a bonafide action hero. He at least looks vital here. He seems focused and interested as he says things like, “We must take those machines.” I miss 70’s Carradine.

For some reason the term motorcycle is lost in the year 3000 and they’re mainly just called machines. The resistance fighters have these track-lights that they use like cannons that simply erase enemies from the film, Star Trek phaser style. No one mourns those poor saps who are just vaporized. There was a lot of talk about cannibals, but these rumors appear to have been wildly exaggerated. What you get is futuristic weaponry, broadswords, less than stunning motorcycle stunts, and gas bombs. Kablooey. You also get Richard Lynch as Ankar Moor. Carradine’s name is Kaz O’shay. They blew their budget on names. David McLean (formerly the Marlboro man until he got lung cancer) is Lord Zirpola, see what I mean? Lord Zirpola has naked girls he torments in some kind of naked girl tormenting chamber. They kind of hop around and squeal until they collapse in exhaustion. This seems to please Lord Zirpola.

Much of the film seems to have been shot in a quarry, with the use of a State Vehicle maintenance center. Special effects that aren’t gas bombs have been painted on the film in post. I cringed as Carradine wiped sword blood on his beige tunic. Who’s gonna wash that?

This is running free on Prime and I don’t really have much more to tell you about it.