I Saw A Film!

Or did I? While I did sit through this thing, so little of it stuck to any of my neurons that I feel like I possibly found watching some dust settling more compelling. This is yet another post-apocalypse “Road Warrior” spin-off, this time directed by Cirio Santiago (so expect his countrymen to be filling all the expendable roles like the babbling Arabs in the old Johnny Quest cartoons).

This thing stars Richard Norton who has starred in a few of these sorts of boiler plate “wasteland” epics, but the real star of this “road warriors” rip off is the multi-barrel machinegun, possibly grenade launching rifle thingy, that looks entirely made up by a fourteen year old kid obsessed with scribbling World War Three plans in a notebook when he’s supposed to be conjugating verbs. It looks like a few taped together rifles, and while the foley people have added “cool” special effects noises to the silly thing, it’s very much a silly thing. The good news for Slade (Norton’s character) is that helping him fight the evil guys is Karen (yes Karen) a buxom beauty with blown hair, and a skimpy outfit. The type of lady I feel certain would be quickly extinguished in any post-apocalyptic wasteland, along with clean water and any sort of decent fresh food. The Road is probably the closest thing to a reality check with these sorts of goofball films driving home the likelihood that anything attractive or decent would be at a massive premium.

I honestly remember almost nothing of the plot which mostly relied on a lot of close-ups of the ridiculously cumbersome fantasy weapon, and lots of shots of dudes running down sandy slopes, or up sandy slopes, or driving boringly around to fight over the emptiness while straining their upper arms covered in bronzer (lots of time for their bow-flex gyms). The main antagonist is played by Robert Patrick of Agent Doggett from later X-files shows and that always stands out. After all is said and done, somehow what the message appears to be, is that having the right ultimate weapon is a boon to whatever your aspirations are. Factions upon factions are fighting over control of this little area of the Philippines (shot for Alaska) and this dopey weapon seems poised to be the great bit of equipment that solves all problems (as long as your problem is you need to shoot people, not grow food, find water, or deal with diseases). So, yeah, pow pow pow! In terms of solving problems it falls way short of a good pocket knife, or a set of wrenches. Why not that for a movie huh? The ultimate wrench set-screwdriver / knife. The Equalizer 3000! Or possibly a martini kit . . .

This is very skippable and I don’t think it’s really worth anything but assisting insomnia.

Free on Prime!

One thought on “Equalizer 2000 (1987)

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