I Saw A film!

Another of these Glob-Globbus films this time paring none other than Chuck Norris with none other than Louis Gossett Jr. assisting a lovely blonde Melody Anderson (with a huge, earnest, big-eyed, slab o’ face) on a mission to find some Native American treasure. Not a thing about this film works, as you might expect. Not the comedy, nor the premise, nor their being this oddball immature love between the lady and Chuck, works. Heck, I’m not even solid on why the thing was called Firewalker. And when they finally introduce the ultimate villain, he means absolutely nothing to us beyond being that guy with the eye-patch who was lurking around in the bushes.

So this thing is a bit like the Richard Chamberlin King Solomon’s Mines that I reviewed a bit back, but it’s much worse. There are piles of guys for Norris to kick, and a weirdly misplaced John Rhys-Davies who can’t seem to settle on accent. There are tons of made-for-TV gaffs in this thing, but since it seems aimed at kids I suspect they’ll be mostly forgiving. The finale has Louis tied up in a damsel state while Chuck and Melody try to rescue him. Big stone slabs close off passages by magic, and we don’t really care what kind of temple it is as we’re just there to loot it. Melody does look great in her sacrificial outfit, but we don’t imagine for an instant that it’s anything more than a kid’s game as the big baddie very slowly brings the knife towards her.

When they find the gold, it’s all rather in the form of crowns and jewelry, and all stuffed into a few sacks to be lugged away, after doing in the bad guy sort of protecting the place, of course. It begs the question of why no Aztec mummy, where’s Popol Vuh when you need him? Do we really need to see these idiots end up with ridiculous treasure that seems to have no provenance? Did we just validate Cortez?

We don’t care, the film-makers don’t care, and Prime doesn’t care, at least it was free (kind of). The one good joke is that while Chuck does shoot at everything with a revolver he hits nothing. We’re still allowed a certain insensitivity to our first nation folks, one of whom we meet in a shack watching I Love Lucy reruns and who inexplicably works to assist in this insult to humanity with his magic for a bottle of whisky. Way to go!

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